‘Violence doesn’t discriminate’: Domestic abuse survivor speaks out

A mother who faced domestic violence for more than 20 years said it was easier to “live with the abuse” than leave.
Abby, not her real name, has shared her story with ITV News West Country to help other people experiencing domestic violence to seek support.
Abby met her ex-husband when they were teenagers. Their relationship quickly developed and they soon married.
But a few months into their marriage, the abuse started. Abby said: “There was always a level of coercion, manipulation, financial control. The violence was always around him drinking.
“He’d normally pull me by my hair, he’s pulled lots of my hair out. He’d punch me in the face, kick me.
“He stamped on me, hit me with dining room chairs, various bits of furniture. He even tried to strangle me.”
When it came to their children, Abby said he was careful not to be violent around them. But, she has now realised that they experienced more than she thought, or had hoped.
“As the children got older, I think you can convince yourself that they don’t see,” Abby explained.
“But then I found out that, certainly with my second child, she had held a horrible amount of guilt that she had heard or witnessed the abuse – and she hadn’t come to help. But she was only little.”
As a working professional, Abby feels that people nearly always assumed that she was fine.
“There’s an awful lot of embarrassment and shame around domestic violence generally.
“When you’re perceived to be someone who is holding things together, working and doing everything right, it’s a really tough place to be.
“People don’t look at you and think ‘victim, let’s go and help her’, because I looked quite competent. It’s a hard line to be a victim and a working female, in particular, I think.
“With hindsight, some people said I looked broken but there wasn’t enough for them to step in and do anything.”
This held Abby back from reaching out for help: “It’s honestly easier to live with it and negotiate the violence than to leave and take on the role of a single parent.
“There are always days when you think, I should have left sooner, I shouldn’t have stayed. The first time he did it, I should have walked.
“But if I’d have done that, I wouldn’t have my children. He’s taught me to be resilient and he’s taught me that I’m a hell of a lot stronger than I ever thought I was capable of.”
Abby suffered domestic violence for more than 20 years when she decided to ask for help.
She described the moment she went to FearFree for support: “For me there was a choice I made one day, between phoning my ex husband and apologising for something I had not done – or phoning FearFree.
“I chose to phone FearFree and that was the start of probably the person I am now.”
Abby and her children have lived apart from him for more than five years now. She is proud of how far she has come and for getting out of the situation.
Her advice to anyone else who might feel trapped is: “Sound out a conversation with someone, if you’re not in a place where you’re ready to leave.
“Keep yourself safe. That’s really important that we have that self-worth, that we don’t need to live like that. There’s much nicer people out there.”
If you or somebody you know is affected by domestic abuse, FearFree is available to help in the South West.
You can contact their Wiltshire support line on 01225 775276 or their Devon support centre on 0345 155 1074.
Other resources available include: